I will do a recap later this week about Christmas, how we spent it, and all of the feelings associated with spending such a holiday without the leader of the 8′s.
Today, I am talking about the new year.
The expression, New Year – New You always helped me jumpstart each year with a purpose to be better and to make the upcoming year great. Like most of you reading, the New Year signified for me a time to hit the reset button and focus on a few things that would make me a better wife, mother, daughter, sister, and friend. It was a new start. A new beginning.
I had a hard time spending Thanksgiving and Christmas without Dad but New Year’s came out of the blue as the hardest milestone yet. Is it because it isn’t a holiday but more of a time differentiator? A reminder that time still moves on even without the people who matter to us most?
I have run into a lot of people who have said to me “the last 2 years have been so tough – I bet you’re excited for the new year” or I have even expressed feeling of excitement over saying goodbye to 2015 and 2016.
Now that the new year has officially started, I have totally different feelings about it.
The leap from 2016 to 2017 is hard. Really hard. Although 2015 is the year we found out about Bea’s liver disease, it was also the year we hung onto tremendous hope as she got her new liver and recovered. 2016 we lost Dad but my sister got married, we had a baby and we welcomed a nephew.
The first 6 months of 2016 I had Dad.
I’ll never have a year where I can say that ever again.
So, I struggle with this “new year, new you” because I don’t want a new me.
The new me doesn’t have her best friend. Her world. Her handyman. Her confidant. Her breakfast club partner. Her early riser. Her mentor. Her moral compass.
The new me does’t have her Dad.
I want the old me.
The old me still had you.