my first year without you….

My first year without you I missed you.  

I missed you deeper than words can even express.  I missed you, I missed hearing “DeDe” when walking through your door, I missed your reassuring hug when things were tough, I missed talking to you several times a day, I missed your advice, I missed the feeling that no matter what – my Dad would fix it.  I missed having a Dad.  I missed you.  I miss you.   Every ounce of my being misses you.

My first year without you I cried.  

I cried Monday mornings on my drive to work. I cried in my bed.  I cried in bathroom stalls.  I cried in my shower so I didn’t upset Jordan or the girls.  I cried a lot.  It alleviated some of the pressure that built up when I couldn’t do anything other than think of you and the devastating pain of what it meant to lose you.

My first year without you I felt depressed.  

I felt like I didn’t want to get out of bed, I couldn’t go on without you, I couldn’t take care of myself or my family.  I felt inadequate and I felt pain.  Deep, deep, gut wrenching pain longing for the one person who could make it better.


My first year without you I worried.

I worried about Carolyn, Mimi, and Mom.  I worried about how they were feeling, how they were coping, and how I wasn’t doing enough to help them.  I worried that no one would ever dig themselves out of this muddy mess of grief and I was in it too so how could I help them fight their way out?  I could barely help myself.

My first year without you I learned a lot.  

I learned to show up for people.  When something tragic happens to them and you don’t know what to say or do, I learned to show up.  I learned to send a text, I learned to remember special dates, I learned to make people feel like they aren’t alone.

My first year without you I prayed to you.  

Every night before Bea went to bed, we closed our eyes, put our hands together in prayer and recited something special and talked to you.  Although she doesn’t really understand what or why – she will learn and she will know you.

My first year without you I walked the beach.

I walked the beach without you and although it wasn’t the same, I had to.  I had to continue doing something that we loved doing together and although it was hard – I thought about you and what those walks meant to me growing up.  They meant one-on-one time with my best friend.  It will still be our one-on-one time.


My first year without you I loved.  

I had a happy, loving and very healthy baby.  I loved again so deeply when I didn’t think I could love like that again.  I loved her to my core and I know you would too. I loved Jordan, I loved Bea, I loved the rest of our family, and I loved friends like they were family.  I loved and cherished time spent with the people who meant the most.

My first year without you I lived what you taught me.


I listened to my conscience.

I developed strong character.

I was courageous.

My first year without you I survived.




2 thoughts on “my first year without you….

  1. Sending you and your sisters and your Mom lots of Love on this especially hard day We lost our Mom 11 years ago and my Dad 6 years ago and I wish I could tell you it gets easier but for me at least I can.t. I can tell always remember all the good times and let yourself laugh at some of the bad times. Your Dad will always be with you. <3

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