missing him

Fair warning – this post is by no means uplifting so if you aren’t in the mood, I would skip today’s read. 🙂

It has been about 15 months since Dad passed and the grief is with me every day.

The best way I can define grief is that you feel like you’re drowning.  The storm was sudden, you weren’t prepared, and waves are coming every second.  You can’t get enough air to catch a breath.

You are under water struggling to stay alive.  No one can help you.  You can’t help anyone.

As time moves on, instead of the waves being 1 second apart, they become 2 seconds apart, and then 3, and then 5 minutes, and then 5 hours, etc.

The waves become smaller as they spread out further.  You are still impacted greatly by the waves but you have time to recover from those moments before the next wave comes.

Although it’s only been 15 months, I am able to come up for air a little more often than before.  However, the impact of the waves – when they do come – is debilitating.

One of the hardest things about losing someone isn’t just missing them when you are having a hard day, but missing them during the happy moments that you KNOW they were looking forward to.

I felt this exact way while celebrating Poppy’s birthday.  My older sister and I are so lucky to have babies just a day a part and when we combined their birthday celebration, I caught myself looking around the room for Dad.  When it hit me that no matter how hard I looked, I wouldn’t be able to find him – an overwhelming feeling came over me.

He would have loved this.  Sunday night dinner was the bright spot to his week but these babies were the bright spot of his life.  Watching Bea and Patrick – he would have LOVED to mess around with them, he had so many things to teach them, to show them.  A wonderful night of celebrating a major milestone just didn’t have the same feeling as it would have if Dad were there.

And I think the 7 of us silently felt it.

My best friend is getting married in less than 2 weeks and I am SO looking forward to it.  She has been a special part of our family since I was in the 1st grade and she and Dad had the closest relationship.  Yelling “TEDDDDYYYYY” every time he saw her or I was on the phone with her, he always reminded me how lucky I was to have her.  She even flew down to Florida for my younger sister’s wedding to help watch Patrick & Bea and got to spend some major QT with Dad while we were all running around getting ready for the big day.  They had such a special bond.

Her wedding weekend is going to be incredible.  She is marrying another family friend who is equally as special and they are the perfect match.  My Dad would tell me that even when they first started dating.

This will be SUCH a happy occasion but I can’t help but think that Dad should be there.

He should be helping me write my speech for the wedding, he should be beaming as Teddy walks down the aisle in the church where he married my mom 39 years ago, he should be dancing the night away and he should be smoking a cigar with one of his best buddies – Teddy’s Dad.

He should be there.  He would have LOVED to be there.

One of the things I have had to learn is how to manage the waves.  Because the waves aren’t as close together anymore, I can see them coming and be a little more prepared.

The wave that hit me at Poppy’s birthday has prepared me for the next wave that will come.

I’ve prepared myself that I will definitely be missing Dad during happy and momentous events but I also know how he would want me to handle myself.

He would want me to be courageous, listen to my conscience, and maintain my strong character.

He would want me to follow the 3 C’s and Dad, I’m doing my best.






One thought on “missing him

  1. Hillary I wish I was there to give you a Big Hug. I also wish I could tell you it gets easier but it doesn’t. My Dad will be gone 7 years on March 21, 2018 (and we were Blessed to have him until after his 88th Birthday) and just today twice I wanted to burst into tears when a thought came into my head about him. My Dad (A lot like yours I think) was my BEST Friend!!! We did so much together and after my Mom died May 12, 2011 we were only apart when I was at work as I always lived with my Mom and Dad my whole life. The best thing I can tell you and I think you already do it is totally embrace all the good memories. And even when/if a bad one comes to mind say Sorry about that Daddy. I will LOVE you forever!!!! <3 PS This takes Nothing away from my Mom who I feel the same way about. People say If I could have just 5 more minutes well for me 5 more minutes would not be enough and it would hurt more then it would help. Now before I burn something out on the computer with my tears I will just say Take care and always know your Dad is with you even if you can't see him. <3

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