my second year without you…

My second year without you I missed you.

I missed your voice.  I missed talking to you every single day and I missed seeing you, hugging you, hearing you, and physically loving you.  I missed seeing your face when I told you good news and I missed my home base.  I missed my center.  My moral compass. I missed you.  I miss you.  Every single second I miss you.

My second year without you I cried.  

I cried a lot.  I cried unexpectedly, I cried at the smallest things, and I cried at the most inconvenient times.  I cried thinking about how you should be here.  I cried thinking about how much my girls are missing out not having you.  I cried thinking about how much we are missing out.  How much I’m missing out.

My second year without you I felt cheated. 

I felt cheated that I didn’t have you for Father’s Day.  I felt cheated that I didn’t have you to call when I couldn’t do something at our house.  I felt cheated that I didn’t have my walking buddy in Longboat.  I felt cheated that instead of seeing you constantly, I was desperately searching for signs or symbols that you were with me.

My second year without you I worried.

When I was having an okay day, I was worried no one else was.  I was worried that I couldn’t keep it all together for myself or anyone else.  I worried that you would be disappointed in me that I wasn’t stronger.

My second year without you I did things to make you proud.

You shared a strong passion and love for Cincinnati Children’s Hospital Medical Center and a true appreciation for the team that saved Bea’s life.  I dedicated my time in many ways because you told me that no matter how much we ever do for CCHMC, it would never be enough for what we’ve received.  You were right.

My second year without you I talked to you.

Every night before bed, Bea and I talked to you.  She told you about her day and always thanked you for keeping her so healthy.  Jordan added your door to a special tree at the new house where the girls talked to you and left you little things.  You’ve been leaving a lot of ring pops lately and they’ve loved them.

My second year without you I lived what you taught me.

I listened to my conscience.

I developed strong character.

I was courageous.

My second year without you I survived.

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