my fourth year without you

My fourth year without you I missed you.

Although it seems like yesterday when Jordan delivered the gut wrenching news to me, it feels like a lifetime has passed since I’ve hugged you.  I miss you.  My heart aches for you, for your morning calls, for your advice, your comfort, your assurance, and your unrelenting love.  I miss hearing you call me “Dede”.  I miss what your reaction would have been during LemonAID.  It actually makes me laugh thinking about what you would have said.  I missed you.  I miss you.  Every single piece of me misses you.

My fourth year without you I struggled.

I struggled with deciding to leave my job and not knowing if you agreed with my decision.  I struggled without my sounding board.  Without my Longboat morning walk buddy.  Without the top of my totem pole.  I struggled without the one person I couldn’t wait to share good news with because your approval was paramount to me.  I struggled to find motivation without having the reward of your affirmation.

My fourth year without you I felt proud.

I see you in my girls.  I felt proud that they know you.  We had friends over for dinner recently and out of nowhere Bea asked them if they knew her Pappy and went on to tell them that he is in heaven.  They want to talk about you.  They want to talk TO you.  They give you credit for any and all fun things that just magically appear or happen.  You left them their first Barbies by your tree and they were thrilled.  After Jordan spent HOURS putting together the bunny hutch, the girls ran out and immediately gave you credit for it.  He didn’t correct them.  It made me love him even more.

My fourth year without you I felt grateful.

How did I get so lucky to be your daughter and to have learned so much from you in the 30 short years we were together?  My fourth year without you I felt grateful to have had such a strong, positive, empathetic & humble man to look to.  I felt grateful to be yours & to have learned so much from you.

My fourth year without you I talked to you.

Every day of my fourth year without you you were on my mind & in my heart.  I talked to you when I was alone in the car (which was rare :)).  I talked to you while with the girls, during prayers before bed, and when I’m having a hard time. I talked to you about all of the girls, their funny personalities, and the hilarious things they say.  I talked to you about my deep worries about Beatrice.  I talked to you about what I fear most with her health, what things look like for her long term, and how I am determined to help medicine advance in enough time to give her the long, full life she deserves.  I talked to you about my hopes for all of my girls.

My fourth year without you, I missed you Dad

My fourth year without you I lived what you taught me.

I listened to my conscience.

I developed strong character.

I was courageous.

My fourth year without you I survived.

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