my fifth year without you…

My fifth year without you I missed you.

I missed you to my core. I missed you every single day & in every single place. I missed you for the girls. What they don’t even realize that they lost. I missed you on hard days and when receiving hard news. I missed you on happy days. I missed your advice. I missed your voice. I missed you. I miss you. I miss you so much.

My fifth year without you I struggled.

I struggled thinking about how it feels like forever since I’ve seen you. I struggled thinking about how these were the years you really would have loved. I struggled experiencing my first year at home with the girls without you telling me it would all be fine.

My fifth year without you I didn’t feel so alone.

I felt you everywhere this last year. I felt you on my morning walks in Longboat. I felt you in the quiet mornings while watering my garden. I saw you in the girls. They talked about you. They cried with me about you. Most recently, I saw you in my friend’s Dad. The way he was with the girls reminded me so much of how you were with little kids…how you would have been as a grandpa and how happy that would have made you. It made me feel close to you.

My fifth year without you I felt grateful.

I felt so lucky I got to be your daughter – even if that meant losing you so early. I felt grateful to have had you for 30 years when I know some people lose their “person” much earlier. I felt grateful for the girls. I felt grateful that you’re helping them from above. I felt grateful for a very sweet friend of yours that made an effort to take the girls for ice cream throughout the year. I’m grateful you have such a kind & thoughtful friend and I know you’d be grateful to him too.

My fifth year without you I talked to you.

A day didn’t go by that I didn’t talk to you. That will never change.

My fifth year without you, I missed you Dad

My fifth year without you I lived what you taught me.

I listened to my conscience.

I developed strong character.

I was courageous.

My fourth year without you I survived.

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